Whited Sepulchres
May 27, 2011, 05:54:41 AM
by BenJesus wants us to be nice.
He wants us to be nice to each other, He wants us to be nice to our parents, and He wants us to be nice to hippos. In fact, I would have to say that He really wants us to be nice to hippos. Like, never tell a hippo that her ballet recital was sub-par. And don’t even think about complaining when a hippo cuts you off in traffic. Our Lord has taken a special interest in these *cough* beautiful creatures. Take the following verse as evidence:
“Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye [are like unto] whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.” – Matthew 23:27 (KJV)
Jesus is admonishing the scribes and Pharisees to stop being hypocrites. A “hypocrite”, through grammatical deconstruction, obviously refers to a “hippo critic.” Those scribes and Pharisees certainly were a hypocritical bunch. Josephus, the Jewish historian, records that in Jesus’ time they had founded the short-lived “Hippo Haters Club” (I will relate the horrific fate of this fraternity later).
All throughout Matthew 23, Jesus repeatedly denounces this critical bunch as hypocrites, but it is in verse 27 that we read Jesus’ choice of destruction for these ne’er-do-wells. In the verse written above, I have put a phrase in brackets which was mistranslated. The following is the truer Greek translation: “Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye [will be messily eaten by] whited sepulchres…”
There you have it. All hypocrites will be messily eaten by whited sepulchres (pronounced “sea-pull-kers”). I have researched long into what exactly these strange beasts might be. What I found chilled all of the hippo-hate from my bones.
According to archeology, paleontology, and holy-beans-I-love-hippos-ology, these terrible beasts roam the depths of the seas feasting upon fishermen’s wives and malicious hypocrites. They are said to resemble giant white sea snakes with dragon tails and gratuitously large heads. Some legends speak of them as being literally armed with one man-arm (scholars refer to this arm as “pretty beefy”). Also, through God’s pre-ordained plan, the beasts are gifted with the ability to detect whenever a derogatory comment is aimed at earth’s most stunning river-dwelling animals.
According to the scripture, the great whited sepulchres indeed “appear beautiful outward” as long, luxurious lashes extrude from above their bloodthirsty eyes, sure to catch the fancy of any sailor long at sea. Even fireworks spurt out of their blow-holes to distract the doomed hypocrite right before they’re sloppily devoured. The whited sepulchre’s belly, as the scripture states, was “full of dead men’s bones and of all uncleanness.” This “uncleanness” probably refers to the remnants of hypocrites who pooped in their pants upon viewing this monstrosity rise in anger from the seas. So even if one managed to avoid being chomped up, the poor victim would ultimately drown in the steaming pile of bones and feces caked inside the beast’s belly.
Whited sepulchres have claimed the lives of many hypocrites through the years. The list of fatalities include Peter’s wife, which is why you never hear about her in Scripture; King Ahab, ancestor of Captain Ahab, and Tom Cruise. The scribes and Pharisees’ Hippo Haters Club held their first and last meeting in Jerusalem’s Lower Room. This assembly ended when a great whited sepulchre burst through the door and ate up all of the members and spinach dip. It didn’t even bother to knock before coming in.
So this is what I’m trying to say: you better be super nice to hippos or you’ll find yourself the hypocritical prey of a great whited sepulchre. In fact, I propose that sub3o begins an “Awesome Hippos Are Hip” club (AHAH). We will celebrate all things hippo related- we’ll sit around in rivers, yawn, and maybe even roll over. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it?
Calendar-
https://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=o9m7ni3qghv24surclpe168lmg@group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Chicago
Downloadable Message- "Love"
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/11734988/Love.mp3
Reminders-
- Remember that sub3o will be at Pastor and Sis. Boettcher's house tonight! The festivities begin at 7:30 pm. Bring some friends!
- Remember that the first due date for Congress money is June 2nd. Just don't mug anybody for the dough though.
- Remember to pray. Not out of obligation, but out of love.
Ben R.
By the way, here's an artist's rendition of what a whited sepulchre looks like:
https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/pXgUw-TIC7ynHQyZIAeUXuXUoa2wB0-eOniDxaWYBo0?feat=directlink
What Gave Him Away
May 20, 2011, 04:33:04 PM
by BenOn Christmas Eves long ago, my dad impersonated Santa Claus for my family. Every year he would rent a suit from the local “Impersonate-A-Santa” store and ring the doorbell.
“Santa’s at our front door!” cried my sisters when they saw a jolly man clothed in red and white standing at the doorstep.
Giggling and pulling at his coat and sack of goodies, they led him into our living room. There, our Christmas tree towered in the corner and my brother and I eyed the merry stranger suspiciously. Something wasn’t right about this Santa. Why didn’t he use the chimney? Why didn’t his eyebrows and beard match? And why did he smell like the enchiladas that we just had for dinner?
Then I saw them. One wouldn’t think to look at them at first, but my dad had made one key mistake in his desire to mimic old St. Nick: he forgot to wear gloves. As I beheld those hands, which by now were handing out dolls from his toy sack to my eager sisters, I began to think about all that those hands had done for me. I remembered those hands holding me when I was scared, helping me up when I fell from my bike, and fixing an endless number of objects my siblings (but not I) had broken.
My dad’s hands not only identified him, but they also revealed the love he had for me. I believe God’s hands tell the same story. His gentle hands hold us when we’re uncertain about our future; His strong hands help us back up when we fall; and His nail-scarred hands can fix our sin-sick lives. God’s hands identify who He is and how much He loves us. When we remember that God holds our lives in His hands, we truly can have the victory over fear and doubt. It’s like the Sunday school song says:
“He’s got the whole world in His hands,
He’s got the whole world in His hands.”
Calendar-
https://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=o9m7ni3qghv24surclpe168lmg@group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Chicago
Messages-
- In case you missed one, here are the sub3o messages for the past several weeks:
- "The Real Curse Word" - http://dl.dropbox.com/u/11734988/The%20Real%20Curse%20Word.mp3
- "The Degrees of Relationship" - http://dl.dropbox.com/u/11734988/The%20Degrees%20of%20Relationship.mp3
- "Christian Servanthood" - http://dl.dropbox.com/u/11734988/Christians_%20Servanthood.mp3
- "Hope" - http://dl.dropbox.com/u/11734988/Hope.mp3
Reminders-
- Tupperware money and stuff is due tonight! See Becca.
- Sub3o prayer is tomorrow at 6 pm! Get there before the rapture happens!
- The first deadline for Congress money is on June 2nd! Remember to check the sub3o calendar for more information on Congress money due dates.
- Remember to keep up with your prayer life. He is our lifeline, our hope, and our joy.
Ben R.
Rotten Apple Pie
May 13, 2011, 01:25:27 PM
by BenWell, I have a confession to make: it turns out people aren't so bad after all.
Previously, I had determined that most people were a rotten bunch of apples with no hope to be baked into delicious pies. For example, when we were much younger, my brother and I were tussling in our living room in Texas. Now it was a pretty friendly wrestling match we had going on, until he deliberately pushed me into the edge of a bookshelf. As a couple drops of blood trickled down the side of my face, I hazily realized that humanity was evil and must be spanked.
It was humanity, after all, who had failed God. We left Him after He gave us life and paradise in the beginning. We rejected His humble interjection into our world about 2,000 years ago. Today, we sometimes even forget to say good morning to Him.
But as I thought about Adam and Eve, Peter and Paul, and my brother and I, I realized that God has been doing the same thing from the very first kiss of life on the sixth day: He has believed in people.
He believed in His creation from the start, even to the point of including a promise of salvation amidst their punishment for the Fall.
He believed in twelve salty men: two who feuded over position, one who shot first and asked later, and another who, despite living and working with Jesus for three years, betrayed Him for a slave’s price. These would be the ones He trusted to spread His gospel to the world.
He believed in Saul, the epitome of anti-Christianity during his time, turning him into the first missionary and the writer of most of the New Testament.
He believes in you. Despite what your peers think of you and despite what you think of yourself, He will continue to believe in you. Paul reminds us in Hebrews 12:1-3:
"...Let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us, looking away to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith and is also its Finisher. He, for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or exhausted…" (Amplified Bible - edited).
Jesus endured the cross. Jesus took on our shame. He looked past the pain to see you, to see that you're worth it. To see the joy that He would have with you. To see you succeed.
So it turns out that Jesus likes us humans. He likes us very much. We’re not all a bunch of rotten apples that are too twisted and sour for any use. God has picked us up and given us a chance at a joy so powerful, a joy so real, that He endured all of our sin and shame just for to make a way for that joy. Sure, we do need to get “spanked” from time to time, but that doesn’t mean we should give up on ourselves...because Jesus never will.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
- From now on, you will be able to view all of the information and events for sub3o at our recently updated calendar! Click on the link to access the web calendar filled with all of the events for the rest of the year. Be sure to bookmark this page for easy access.
https://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=o9m7ni3qghv24surclpe168lmg@group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Chicago
- Here is the link to the last message Pastor Stephen preached in sub3o. Awesome stuff! Just right click on the link and click on "save link as" and save it to somewhere on your computer.
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/11734988/Hope.mp3
- Everybody, remember to pray. It's our connection to God and to real life.
- Ben R.
The Power of Worship and Music
April 22, 2011, 04:26:53 PM
by BenSo many times we hear the most beautiful praises sung unto our King who sits on His throne. So many times we “leave” God’s heavenly place of adoration without a song. Sometimes we go days without praising our Lord in Spirit and truth and become spiritually weak.
Sub3o has a special anointing and favor from God. We are honored to take what God has given us and share His precious truth with the world. He has made us able to do all things through Him (Philippians 4:13)! During prayer, God whispered something in my ear about our generation. One of the devil’s BIGGEST WEAPONS is MUSIC... (watch video please)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4G2P2vEtqg&feature=player_embedded
The devil was and still continues to be crafty (Genesis3:1); he knows what he is doing to young people's minds with his music. He was the arch angel and the maker of all praises in Heaven (Isaiah 24). He is trying to use his weapon to destroy our generation. God didn't take His gift away from him. It starts by listening and makes its way into the mind and then the heart. If God inhabits the praises of His people (Psalms 22:3), then the rulers, the authorities, the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms inhabit the praises of the people who do so. The messages in this generation’s music open doors to millions of demonic spirits of lesbianism, rebellion, fornication, adultery, murder, abuse, suicide etc. If Satan can do this, we as the children of God are able to DELIVER this generation from his LIES through the gospel of Jesus Christ!!!! John 4:24 speaks of worshiping God in Spirit and truth and the time of true worship 
SUB30 let's step into God's heavenly places, let's praise God in Spirit and truth, a humble spirit, clean heart...let us Praise our KING 
Chains will be loosed, the sick will be healed, addictions will cease, when the Lord inhabits the Praises of his people
- Gioselin G.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Tonight-
- Sub3o will begin with prayer tonight at 7 pm. We will be taking communion together tonight as well.
Tomorrow-
- Sub3o prayer will begin at 6 pm. God is doing awesome things at our prayer meetings. You don't want to miss it!
Next Week-
- Sub3o will be taking place at Emily and Anita's house next Friday (4/29). We would also like a count of how many people can make it. Directions will be available Thursday night. If you get lost on the way to the house Friday, be sure to call Paige or Bryant. They should have directions.... Just kidding. Hehe.
Message-
- Here is the link to last week's preaching message in sub3o. Just right click and "Save as" to somewhere on your computer. Send it to your ipod or mp3 player for amazing portability!
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/11734988/The%20Real%20Curse%20Word.mp3
Prayer-
- Remember to keep praying for the names on the Prayer Changes Teens list. If my esteemed colleague or I remember, we will have the "P" box out tonight, so be sure to feed it plenty of prayer requests and victory reports. It's hungry.
- Be sure to pray extra as Easter is this Sunday. Many people only attend service on Easter or Christmas, so we have to make the most of when they're here. So I want some of you to bring ropes and duct tape. With some luck and fast legs, we can make it so that they never leave the church again.
- Pray every single day. We can't survive without our spiritual connection to God. Without prayer, we're left out of what God is doing, and we DON'T want to miss out on the awesome, life-changing things He has in store!
Ben R.
Blood
April 14, 2011, 01:26:09 PM
by BenHey all ye beautiful saints
Good Morning, good afternoon- whichever fits best!
In Jesus name.
This is our eighth week of PCT- oh my, how exciting! God is doing so many wonderful things in each young person God is able, and He has made us able to do all things through Him, to bring Him all the glory and praise Woo hoo!
Several weeks ago I was at school (as usual) and this lady came in from LifeSource, a Chicago-land blood center. She gave a brief presentation on why to give blood. I thought this presentation was going to be tedious, so I sat and stared blankly at a wall for 60 seconds or so. But then as she began to speak, God spoke to me also. This lady was desperately trying to get everyone's attention because she wanted us to know how important we all were. She said, "Every two SECONDS someone in the U.S. needs blood. 38,000 blood donations are needed per day. A total of 30 million blood transplants are transfused each year in the U.S.”
I felt God whispering in my ear, "My blood is the blood that washes away all sin. My blood is more than enough for all generations. There is power in My blood, My Blood." He continued, "Gioselin, you carry my blood."
In John 6:53, Jesus said unto them, "Truly truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink His blood, you have no life in you."
Hebrews 13:12 says, "So Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through His own blood" (see also Ephesians 2:13 and 1 John 1:17). There is power in the blood of Jesus!
Lord God, please help us. Spiritually, there are billions dead all around the world that haven't been sanctified by the blood of Jesus. There are more than a million souls who commit suicide, die in car accidents, infirmities, abuse, drugs, and starvation each day.
Sub3o, we have been sanctified by the blood of the Lamb and have eaten of His flesh. These souls need Jesus' blood pumping in their hearts; they need to be loved back into life. God has given us the power to do all things in His name There is power in blood, even the world recognizes it; but what they don't recognize is that there is a blood more powerful than type O blood, the blood in which we were sanctified, the blood of Jesus I want to be a soul winner. We are soul winners
- Gioselin G.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Tomorrow-
- Sub3o will occur. As usual. Unless zombies attack. In which case you will find me in my bunker stocked with PB&J sandwiches and chocolate milk (all I need). You can join me if you either two sandwiches (one for you, one for tribute) and/or a sawed off shotgun. "Zombies will eat you. I will only eat your sandwich" - ben r.
PCT-
- Remember to keep praying for all of the names on the PCT list! And don't forget to turn in any victory reports to either myself or my esteemed colleague. The PCT box will be at sub3o tomorrow so be sure to stop by it and give it something to eat. "Feed me" - Garfield/the PCT box
Calendar-
- As usual, here's the link to the sub3o calendar. I sure hope everybody has either bookmarked or written it in the clouds so that you can remember where it is. "Look at the sub3o calendar" - Pastor Stephen
https://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=o9m7ni3qghv24surclpe168lmg%40group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Chicago
Money-
-"Ooo hoo hoo! Money money money!"- Mr. Potato Head
- Remember to keep saving up for NAYC (No to All Ye Canadians). Without your financial support, them no-good too-polite Canadians may take our northern lands one hockey game at a time. "We must save Minnesota, don'tcha know?" - A Minnesotan.
- Remember to keep saving up for NAYC (North American Youth Congress). It'll be here before you know it and we don't want you to miss the place that's round on sides and high in the middle. Don't miss out on the chance to be moshing about in a flood of 20,000 young Apostolics."They're grrrrreat!" - Tony the Tiger
Prayer-
- Keep on praying! Prayer truly helps us to reach out to others.
- "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." - Jesus
Team, let's be those workers.
- Ben R.